The Devil and Mr. Cox

Well, it’s late May, and that can only mean one thing.  The Atlanta Braves are on the rise in the NL East.  Every year, it’s the same thing: Start off looking like the Kansas City Royals, then sneak up on everyone, and win the division.  This has been going on for 14 years now, and it’s starting to get suspicious, considering the talent level that has come and gone over the years.  And Leo Mazzone is no longer there to pull a Lazarus act with every washed-up pitcher that comes his way.

In an earlier post, I suggested that the only explanation is that Bobby Cox makes an annual deal with the Devil.  And each year, it takes a little while longer to complete.  Well, Mets Fan in Texas has obtained a partial transcript of this year’s negotiations.  Apparently, the NSA had a bug in Satan’s office.  Russ Feingold is investigating.

Satan: OK, Bobby.  That’s it.  This has gone on long enough.

Cox: Come on, Satan!  Just give me one more year, and maybe we’ll win it all!

Satan: You can’t even get out of the first round of the playoffs!  It’s getting harder and harder for people to believe that you even deserve to win the division.

Cox: No it’s not.  We’ve got a great team this year.  Smoltz, Hudson, the Joneses…and…well, that’s it.  But what else do you need?

Satan: See, that’s just what I’m talking about.  How much longer do you think people are going to believe that Jeff Francoeur can hit?  That guy walks about as often as I go to communion.

Cox: I don’t get it.

Satan: Well, you know, being the Devil and all, I pretty much never go to communion.

(silence)

Satan: And that’s, you know, about how often Francoeur walks.

Cox: I still don’t get it.

Satan: Oh, never mind.  The point is, you have the talent of a third-place team. 

Cox: Come on, we’re better than that.  Look at our rotation.

Satan: Ok, it’s not bad.  But once you get past Smoltz and Hudson, you have guys that make the back end of the Mets’ rotation look good.  Horacio Ramirez?  Jorge Sosa?  Kyle Davies?  And I’m already trying my hardest to make John Thomson look good.

Cox: What about our bullpen?

Satan: What bullpen?  You haven’t had a closer since you used Smoltz in that role.  And it’s going to be hard to help those guys in the middle.  It just wouldn’t be believable.  And this is nothing new.  Remember when I tried to take John Rocker under my wing?  He got the whole "evil" thing, but he forgot how to pitch.

Cox: Come on, we basically have the same team we had last year.

Satan: Yeah, well I am NOT making Andruw Jones hit 51 homers again.  That’s just a dead giveaway that I’m involved.

Cox: Well, then how about Adam LaRoche?  He’s due for a big year. 

Satan: Now you’re just being silly.

Cox: Look, the bottom line is, no one except Braves fans really even pay attention to us.  And even they don’t care that much.  I mean, we didn’t even sell out Turner field during the playoffs!

Satan: No.  I’m sorry.  I can’t do it anymore.

(The sound of Bobby Cox throwing his hat on the ground can be heard)

Cox: Ok!  You can have the Hummer.

Satan: Deal! But this is the last time.

Cox: That’s what you say every year.

Satan: I mean it this time.  Now, get out of here.  I have an eleven o’clock with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

So there it is.  Evidence of exactly how the Braves have won 14 division titles in a row.  Can the Mets fight off the Braves AND the Devil?  We’ll find out.

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